hmmm... I really needed a great laugh, unfortunetely.... it's not here. Anyone got a good riddle?? How 'bout a bad riddle-- heck, a song would work too.
I tried to get back with my ex girlfriend last night and things were going ok. She then said, Charlie, I'll only get back with you if you give up your worst 2 habits. I asked what they were and she said, Charlie it's smoking and mastubation... I said....fuck off, I'm a 20 a day man, and I smoke like a chimney...
Why do brides wear white??????????????????????????????????
Because the dishwasher should match the referigator
WAKAWAKAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
By the way to MAMASTIT leave canuck alone although(i feel bad) u got a slight chuckle outta me with your joke its bad humour so leave the poor guy alone.
A lawyer is in the middle of a meeting and says to the guy siiting next to him:"I really want to get home and take my wife´s panties off!!!" The guy asks:" Why are you THAT horny?" The lawyer says: "No man, they´re KILLING me!!!"
4 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emigrate to the US. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck. Fu and Su decided to stay in China.
A man goes on holiday to the Canary Islands and comes back most disappointed... There were no Canaries there.
Next year, he decides to go to the Virgin Islands. Again he comes back disappointed. There were no Canaries there either!
A rich guy and a poor guy were sitting around talking about what the bought their wives for christmas. The poor guy says to the rich guy "what did you get your wife for christmas?" The rich guy says, "A diamond ring and a Rolls Royce." "Why did you get her that?" says the poor guy. The rich guy replies, "because if she doesn't like the Rolls Royce she's has to like the diamond ring... everyone knows diamonds are forever." The rich guy asks, "what did you get your wife for christmas?" The poor guy replies, "a pair of pink slippers and a rubber dildo." The rich guy in shock says, "What?!?!" Poor guy says, "It's simple. If she doesn't like the pink slippers, she can go F*&K herself!!!"
When trying to decide on a certain CD to play the other day, my wife asked me why I don't like country...............to which I replied "country!! I love country, it's my favourite kind of tree!
A bear is sitting on a log taking a crap, a rabbit sits down next to him and starts crapping too. The bear asks,"does shit stick to your fur?" "No" says the rabbit. So the bear wipped his ass with the rabbit.
Two Serbian soldiers are sitting in a war zone, talking about their day.
"What did you do comrade?" asked one.
"I found this beautiful young woman," replied the other.
"And did you rape her?"
"Of course," the other replied. "Six times, front, behind and up the ass . It was great."
His friend laughed. "And a blowjob too I bet."
"No," the other soldier replied. "I couldn't find the head."
What's the difference between a female mountain biker and a washing machine?
You can dump a load in the washing machine and it doesn't follow you around all summer.
I basically posted those for the benefit of our younger generation on Glumbert Beauford! They're pretty old I know, but still good. I never heard yours though!
what do you call a skydiving par'pa'leg dog? Spot
what you a water skier with no arms or legs? Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a ditch? Phil.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of there dogs.
we need him ,its so hard to annoy other posters they don't take it so seriously. maybe he had a heart attack and died. i don't think we are that lucky. BEG
A mother and young son were flying British Airways. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because BA always pulls out on time."
Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot had just finished flight school and were in control of Aer Lingus Flight 101 flying from Heathrow to Dublin on their first commercial passgener carrying flight.
As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Little Johnny was in math class one day and the teacher asked him "If there are 10 birds on your fence and you shoot one of them, how many birds are left?"
"Well," Said Johnny "There would be zero birds left."
"No Johnny, there would be nine bird left. Where did you get zero?"
Johnny replied, "If I shoot one bird they will all fly away so there would be no birds left."
"Well, Johnny that's not the right answer but I like the way you think."
So Johnny decides to ask the teacher a question. "If there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating popsicles: One licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher thinks about it and replies "The one sucking it I guess."
"No" says Johnny "the one with the ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
Bad joke and i know im gonna screw it up but you will get it
What is it when a male gets fixed........................Visectomy
What is when a female gets fixed...........................Histerectomy
What is it when a female gets a sex change..................................................
STRAPODICKTOME
WAKAWAKAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ever get that thing when your you know talkin away quite the thing and one of your ears decides to go BBBOOOOOOOO in a really high pitch inside your head ....comes outa nowwhere man you's the only one who heard it so ya carry on as normal even though you got this BBOOOO thing goin on you act cool but there is this tiny little voice of paranoia in there too thinkin "what the fuk is that?"........ .....by the way you guys is funny thats why i feel comfortable sharing
its not a car alarm i have a very short attention span( and tinitus it seems) i would probably kill someone if i drove so i think its best avoided....as for the boooooo thing i have my own theories...i recon tinitus is actually the ability to hear the sound of the frequency your brain is running at....a sudden change in pitch happens and it leaves me wondering if my brain is maybe just shifting gear ...the sound definetly gets louder and more intense if i have a wee j ;any other theories are treated with the utmost respect and gratitude ...oh and thanks for the warm welcome seems i found a comfy seat :)
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